Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house