I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
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If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages