No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.