It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us