Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad