I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.