When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.