When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
no one ever comes back
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.