4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
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“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I came this close!!!!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop