Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.