Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.