OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck