My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in