My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.