@OyVeyLady

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

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@AndyAsAdjective

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

@Laser_Cat

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

@OakHill_

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

@SlabBaconBP

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

@PellMull

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

@Jeff_Gephart

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

@LlamaInaTux

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

@daemonic3

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”