My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*


Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.


Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?


Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.


Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.


Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?


Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?



“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”