Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am ๐๐๐
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My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: youโre all blocking the table
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
โ Fly
โ Breathe fire
โ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Me My dog
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“The Perfect Relationship”
Iโve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
โDonโt be a stranger,โ I say, having already forgotten the name of the person Iโm talking to.
It sucks when youโre stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea whatโs going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
This was a terrible day, Iโm having live grenades for dinner.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YOโs toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. Iโm teary-eyed thinking about how my childโs object brings my father comfort, but damn, weโve been looking for that.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didnโt realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
sad to hear it but I hope itโs for the best
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.