I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.