One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
You Might Also Like
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.