My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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my first dose meeting my second
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car