“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“