I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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I’m crying im so happy for them
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Denise please return my vape pen
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend