RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin