RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.