5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF