I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.