Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.