[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it