If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
thanks auntie mary
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
They grow up so quick
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
There are no pants in heaven.