Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
🙂🐾
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.