Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.