Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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The “research” scene in every horror movie
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”