Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
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My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.