you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
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