*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
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Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Our lord and savoury.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe