Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

This is a true ally.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

The opposite of Iceland is water water

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review