I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Breaking news:
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.