I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
no refunds
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Nice try, NASA
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.