Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries