@kelkulus

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

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@ColoradoUgly

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

@YoungNobler

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

@UnFitz

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@Darlainky

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

@fimoculous

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

@JustMeTurtle

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

@TrueQuixote

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

@JasonNotEvil

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

@Browtweaten

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident