Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.


Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.


Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.


[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”


Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.


When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.


Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.


The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.


Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket


me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident