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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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