People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Well, this explains it:
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.