Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!