My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
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Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no