ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
You Might Also Like
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Mad Max: Furry Road
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”