I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
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gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I wanna be friends with this person
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.