Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”