Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
So the ex texted me
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this