A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.