Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
This is my brand.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea