Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
oh u like geography? name every lake
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage