When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
More like Kate Missington.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human