@JohnLyonTweets

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

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@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

@Browtweaten

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

@dadmann_walking

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

@GFGander

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

@demented_Ash

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

@oldlinds

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

@whatmaddness

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

@LovelyFilters

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

@hexprax

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow