I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’