I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.


me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve


accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.


There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat


Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*


juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??


If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.


relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return


Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow