I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently