Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
This is the one
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10