@Leslie_Annie

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

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@TingyS

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

@Mom_Overboard

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

@murrman5

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

@radtoria

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

@OllyiConic

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

@Lisabug74

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

@daydrinkindad

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey