Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.


The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.


I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself


[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?


Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁


[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother


Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.


[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey