Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My wife gives the best headache.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months