So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
You Might Also Like
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey