Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
You Might Also Like
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins