Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I think my mom just blocked me
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.