Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

(yawn)

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.