We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.