We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

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When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID


You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.


First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.


I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.


Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.


Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”


Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.


The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.


Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes


When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.