We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
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(yawn)
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.