We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!