@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

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@PoodleSnarf

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

@Brianhopecomedy

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

@cravin4

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

@darksidedeb

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

@DavidKlein5

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

@jlock17

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

@markedly

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

@maughammom

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

@BoomBoomBetty

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.